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This is Bigger Than Me Today


So things are changing again. That’s all they ever do. Once I get comfortable, or at least somewhat comfortable with the direction I am traveling, I find that life gets all stirred up again. And I am left to face the upheaval as it is and to once again find my place within the chaos.

I had once thought that I was meant to reorganize the chaos, but now I believe I am only meant to find where my next foot hold is, so I might ride the wave of change and see which shore I land on. As I wrote that out, I became aware of my conditions. I hear myself say, “But I don’t want it to look like this or that.” “But I don’t want to lose my job,” was one very loud and clear statement. “But I don’t want to move,” was another.

But I don’t want to… But I don’t want to… I hear myself whining in my own head about the many things that I don’t want.

I realize I have a very narrow picture of what I think all things ought to look like. And while I am committing myself to riding that wave, there’s this part of me that wants to direct the wave to a particular shore and a particular outcome. I find humor in this because I really thought I was in a place of surrender. Turns out I am fooling myself once again!

When I’m fully honest with myself, I realize I have life plans laid out for at least the next 10 years. And those plans have very particular sets of events that are expected to flow one after the other.

It’s almost terrifying to think of what life might look like if it doesn’t go according to this 10 year plan of mine.

I soothe myself by thinking that I am at least aware of my discomfort. I am more aware than in the past of the conditions I’ve created. I’m catching things earlier and earlier. I’m getting better at this stuff. I’m willing to keep trying.

As I find some comfort in those thoughts, I realize there’s a higher part of my consciousness that understands there are bigger plans in store for me.

I’ve had a lifetime of asking for things and the only way to achieve all that I’ve dreamed is to allow change to happen.

My 10 year plan doesn’t account for the many things I’ve imagined. It doesn’t account for personal growth and expansion. It doesn’t include the bigger picture of myself as a dynamic being whose understanding is enhanced by every life experience I face.

I realize that there’s going to be a point in time as early as the next moment, and as far away as 10 years from now, that includes a greater understanding of my place in this world. And as I carry myself forward in this growth, I know that I can achieve and accomplish more than I can imagine from this particular point in time, with this very particular “now” understanding of who I am.

Tomorrow’s understanding is greater and can accomplish more than I can imagine today.

And I refuse to be afraid of that next thing that will take me to that next place, to live that next bigger and greater dream of mine. So I will find peace in surrendering to this change, because I know that it will propel me to achieving dreams I’ve yet to imagine. I am reminded once again, that this experience is something bigger than I have the ability to imagine today.

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