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Living Outside of My Walls

I was sitting in the doctor’s office for a check-up last week. I always dread those appointments. I hear my mind chatter telling me what a bad patient I am and how I am completely non-compliant. I realize quickly that I have to challenge that statement. That’s not entirely true I tell myself, but there is an aspect of that assertion that I buy into. I search out my feelings and I realize that I am filled with a sense of wrongness.

It’s a very old story that I used to tell about how bad and wrong I was.

And although I don’t often run into that belief, I do find that I continue to hold judgments about what my illness means about who I am, and how I am able to live and function in life. I am aware enough to understand that my judgments of self are limiting and yet I hold onto the definition in my own head of self as “bad” because I have an illness. So I enter my doctor appointments feeling that I am wrong and bad. Considering this game I play with myself, it comes as no surprise that I dread all of my appointments.

As I consider my mind game more closely, I notice that there is a theme going on this month. I’ve been exploring definitions. By define I mean, I have been focusing on how I have set the boundaries and limits of myself. I find humor in the fact that I often bump into my own walls and then wonder why I am not getting to any different place. It’s like running on a hamster wheel. I use up a lot of energy and never find myself outside of the walls of my cage.

I spent some time this weekend considering what those walls feel like. I closed my eyes and imagined that feeling of being contained. I meditated a bit and visualized the walls falling off and away from me. With each deep breath I exhaled, more of the boundaries fell away.

All the layers of my opinions and judgments just glided off my body and I expanded into the infinite.

This lightness of being led me to a very joyful and clear state of mind, and prepared me to open myself to life’s natural unfolding.

It is in a realized moment such as this that I feel my soul soar freely, joyfully, and swiftly. My heart swells and opens and I am lifted beyond any definition of who I think I am. I am moved beyond any sense of limitation. In those moments that I allow source to flow through, I realize my truth and experience, even if only for a moment, living outside of my walls.

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